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  • Tammy Toney-Butler

My Walk of Shame


What is she thinking? Who does she mourn as she approaches the cross? Will she walk down that narrow path and find peace? Will, she lay her burdens at the foot of the cross? After all, the Bible says in Matthew 11:28, "come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." If she only knew what I did, she would step out in faith and walk down that narrow path.


My journey out of the "miry pit" started a few years ago. Christ and His loving grace transformed me. Transformed by the renewal of my mind. If it can happen to me, it can happen to you. Do you want to be set free? I had a choice that day at Ave Maria University, lay down my victim mentality, my soul filled with darkness and a mind consumed with a "negative think," and become a child of the light. I chose the uncomfortable, foreign light.


You see, I had walked in so much darkness for years, never experiencing the beauty of a day filled with only joy and positive thoughts. I had become crippled by shame, guilt, fear, and regret. The residue of trauma, broken promises, failed relationships, and lost hope.


I decided that day would be different. I would surrender control of my life to a man; at least, I saw Christ as a man. I swore no man would ever control me again because control meant manipulation and painful torment. Yet, I had hit bottom, so what choice did I have really? Survival mode was all I had ever known, the paralyzing, crippling disease of trauma. A disease few know how to wrap their heads around. I saw it as a fatal disease, one that would eventually kill me like my mother and father. A family devastated by trauma ripped apart before it could ever develop into anything memorable or worthwhile. Divorce, suicide, alcoholism, depression, and the list goes on and on. My adverse childhood experiences score an 8-9 depending on if my few memories were even correct at all.


My childhood story is my story, we all have them, but it's how my story becomes my testimony for Christ that sets me apart. I have been set free by Christ. I am restored. I am no longer a victim but an overcomer, and you can be too. I am not telling you if you walk down that narrow path and lay your victim at the foot of that cross, it will be easy. That moment of total surrender was the hardest thing I had ever been asked to do. I heard the whisper saying, "do you want to be well." I chose at that moment to give my life over to that whisper, to Christ. In that moment of surrender, total lack of control, I gained true freedom, and you can too.


John 5:6 (NIV)


When Jesus saw him lying there and learned he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, "Do you want to get well."


Remember, Christ is a gentleman; he will never come into your mess unless you invite him in. Try it, I did, and so can you!



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