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  • Writer's pictureTammy Toney-Butler

When? Why?

When and why, are great questions, often with no true answers. When will I find my lifetime partner? When will I get a promotion? When will I love myself? When will this darkness lift off me? When will my tormenting thoughts end? When will the guilt go away? When will I lose weight?

Why did this happen? Why did he leave me? Why did that happen to me as a little girl? Why were my parents like that? Why have I been left alone? Why did my dad take his own life? Why did my father think his life was not worth living? Why? Why? Why?

How do we move past the why and when to get to a place of peace? A place of hope, full of light, and promise. Does a place of hope even exist? How will I know when I find this place? Do I dare hope in something I can not see or control? How can I find that perfect place where no fear or shame dwells? Do I dare reach out my hand and grasp that sliver of hope? This brightness is foreign to me. I have been surrounded by such darkness for so long. How do I break free into this new me, one full of hope and promise? Invisible, yet, almost tangible. If I could reach the sun, I could touch it, I am sure. So, I can hope then, right? I am going to take a chance on this hope thing, on the light? What do I have to lose? I have lost everything already. The darkness threatens to consume me most days.

Let me reach for the source of that hope, of that light. Let me at least try. I have been so depressed for so long, the weight of the past holding me hostage in a prison of my mind. A prison where the chains of shame, threaten my very being. I need this weight to be lifted off of me. I refuse to carry it any longer. I will surrender it, I will give it over to a power higher than myself. A supernatural power, a love, so amazing that I am made whole in the surrender, full of peace, promise, hope, and joy. Jesus Christ died on the cross so we could be set free. I was set free by my faith and you can be too! Call out, Father is listening?

Call out to Him, He is there. Read Romans 10:9:

If you declare with your mouth, Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved (NIV).

He will find you, and meet you where you are at! Even if lost in a sea of despair, Jesus will walk on water to get to you, to rescue you from the heavy weight of it all. Never give up hope! You have a purpose, you are stronger than you think! Call out and dare hope, for He walked on water to get to me, and He will do the same for you!

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